im sorry mama .
im sorry aba.
im sorry abang.

u tried to bring back the family together by going out & be happy.
but u noe that wont happen.
like it rarely had.
it will always end of in a bad note.
thats just how the way things work.
i couldnt make it next sunday cause im working.

i dont wanna include myself anymore in any of the family outing.

havent talk to my brother for like what ? since the day. yes that day.
we share the same room.
we are/used to be so close.
well im the one who destroy it.
i dont blame anyone. i dont blame u.
i just blame myself.
my friend told me to be optimistic, but how ?
my mind is like fucking messed up. very.
one day im feeling so fucking happy
& next thing u noe im so fucking sad and shitty.

"nah its ok . i know someday u'll change"
u believe so much in me
but in the end i shit back on u everytime.
like what u say " berakkan aku lagi"
i think i will always be the black sheep in the family.
always have , always will.

somedays i really dont feel like not going back home.
no not to show im rebellious
but because i dont know how to face all of u. i dont even noe if i belong there.
im too ashamed. feel like putting a my face in the dustbin.
i think i really need sometime on my own
to think straight but i dont think i can.

now i get emotional by the slightest thing.
do it first then cry. thats how things work for me.
nan xin thought i was a strong person.
but when she saw me breakdown that time, she knew it gotta be something big.
i didnt say a thing.

i need someone right now real bad.
but i dont want to tell anyone.
i just want someone.

contumacious ; recalcitrant

bye im a messed up kid